Throughout my day today I felt God talking to me in a way that I haven't heard him in a long time. I spent the morning at a baptism at Saddleback Church where a kid Sean was getting baptized. It was a great experience for me seeing the kid I took to camp for two years dedicate his life to the Lord in front of his families and friends. A lot of people would react differently to a kid with special needs getting baptized but angels were rejoicing in such a powerful way as four kids from High Rollers clubs professed their faith and were welcomed into the kingdom. It was an immensely joyful moment.
After the baptisms I drove down to the Anderson's home in Fallbrook where I had lunch. It is such a blessing to be able to invest time and love into a family and be served with food and community. It was both joyful and sad to learn more about their family but also to hear about the struggles of having two sons with autism. Seeing the hardship they have faced, even the small struggles, was inspiring and saddening at the same time. I am so unbelievabley thankful to continue to have the opportunity to walk alongside families like these and share in their struggles and joy. God commands us to carry each others burdens (Galatians 6:2) not just because it is what is the right thing to do but because he knows (and created) how much it will enhance and challenge us as followers of Christ.
After that I came home and then attended my home church for the 8pm service. Without going into the one hour conversation I had with my best friend outside of service, I will tell you that I had some frustrations I was dealing with that rocked me to my core. I spent quite a bit of time outside the congregation voicing my anger and my disappointment. Scott listened attentively to me. It took me to the end of the message to realize what God had been screaming at me all day!
Just like my blog entry "What it means to walk alongside", I am still learning more and more about what that means. I knew that the beginning of God's calling for me in this ministry was like a spiritual camp high that most all of us have felt, along with the sudden and swift drop once coming home. I "knew" that ministry is hard and that fighting the good fight is definitely not fighting the easy fight, but today I really lived it out. It is so frustrating to have the passion for something and the drive and feel that the people around you just don't get it, or worse...don't care. I was fooling myself when I thought that I would start Capernaum and every christian I know, and every church would leap in faith at the opportunity to help and to support and to do everything to see families of children with disabilities be served in the way God's children should. God looked at me straight in the eyes and secremed "WAKE UP! This is not easy, it's hard. You will not always be happy. You will not always be appreciated by people. Not everyone will agree or understand. I didn't ask you to do this because you are perfect for it...I asked you because you are willing and because I love you as I love them."
It all comes down to the fact that God's work is hard. It is not easy. And a christian life is marked by suffering, not prosperity. If I really want to live out what I'm preaching I will cry, I will hurt and I will need. God doesn't want me to feel like everything will be easy and it will never feel worth it by my own standards or the standards of the world. I must find solace and heavenly joy and peace in his grace and his love. I asked for the opportunity to do his work and I am realizing more and more that He didn't ask me because I am strong enough but because HE is strong enough. I will not prevail or succeed but God's kingdom will!
Heavenly Father, give me work to do, and let me do it knowing that you alone sustain me.
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